Hey Look! I made a thing!

 

Cover of the first zine I've made in decades...

The last couple years have been rough. Everything going on in my personal life, with my work and also the ongoing shitshow of world events... wow. Understandably, i've been a bit off. Not feeling creative at all, no motivation, no inspiration, no nothing. Not a place i like to dwell in, it's not fun. 

I've been trying... really TRYING... to get myself back on track. Went on a vacation. It was great, but then i came home. I cleaned up my space, make sure i exercise, get outside, be around people (within reason, of course... too much peopling makes things worse). it helps. I guess. Kinda. The best thing for me is to make stuff. This I know about myself. I get into a zone, and  time slips away and I emerge feeling a little bit better.

hand-stitched single pages

But it wasn't sticking. I'd do some little crafty thing for a bit, and then I'd slide back into my funk. I couldn't see the point. I make stuff, and then it sits in a box, nobody sees it and eventually it gets thrown out. I needed a reason. I also needed to work out all the shit swirling around in my brain before i got buried under it. So I took a couple leftover sheets of painted paper, cut it up into pages, and made myself a Journal. 

This isn't a regular journal. I write in it, sure, but then i paint and draw and collage.  I know some other artists journal with images. I've tried it before but i was always a little hesitant to let my true feelings out. Pretty sure because in the back of my mind, I figured it would eventually be made public. Deciding straight off the bat that that wasn't going to happen made it easier to just let myself go. I have to admit, it isn't pretty. It's angry. And it's dark. And it helped. I may not be cheery and optimistic... I have never been cheery and optimistic... but at least I feel like i can tolerate a few more days without losing my shit. 

To make this book I first created all the inside spreads, then put them in some semblance or order. Since I was binding single sheets and not folios, i didn't need to worry about making sure the right side of one page worked with the left side or another. I just put them in an order that would tell a bit of a story. I hand-stitched the pages together, and went to work on the rest of it. 

I have to admit it was easier to work through the pages once it was bound together. I'm still working on the remaining pages. Once I have those done I will put a cover on it, name it and add it to my growing pile of books I've made by hand. 

Assorted inside spreads in progress

Just because I could, I scanned in a few early pages and put them together to make a small zine. I had made some zines in the 90s, but they were small and crappy, I didn't know what I was doing (nobody did, we were making it up as we went along), and I didn't have a cheap way to duplicate them. I also didn't hang on to them. I'm sad about that now... I'm sure they would show a snapshot of what it was like to be doing DIY publishing in Toronto in what I now consider the golden age. It was the time before technology took over our lives and proceeded to make us all miserable. 

And yes, while I know i am also to blame for allowing my stupid cellphone to hijack my life, a big part of the problem is that today's tech is engineered to be addictive. Our brains are not built to know everything that is going on in every corner of the world every minute of the day. Of course it's overwhelming. I see the trend of "going analogue" online and I think maybe they're on to something. I won't give up my smart phone (mainly because GPS has made driving infinitely less stressful. I haven't gotten lost in decades and I'd like to keep it that way), but it needs to be something in the background of my life so I can focus on doing something more meaningful.  

Unexpected Inspiration

 

"Tessa", 11x14" mixed media on wood panel. 

My sister paints animals. Her style is very different than mine... she paints realisitic acrylics, or etherial watercolours, always with the animal front and center. Not my thing, but it works for her, and she's quite good at it. She recently started this "a dog a day" project, intending to loosen up her brushwork. I've been watching her progression on Instagram. It's fun. 

My son's girlfriend has two lovely dogs that come to visit us now and then. We are huge dog people, but don't have one of our own right now. We had two, but their passing was very hard on us, so we decided to just take care of other people's dogs until we felt ready to get one of our own. That day may not come... we like having "loaner" dogs. No vet bills, we can take vacations without having to dig up someone willing to take them, no early morning runs in negative something temperatures in the winter, but we still get to have one visit from time to time. It's been working for us. 

When I asked my kid if he had any photos of his girlfriend's dogs around to send to my sister, he sent me a bunch. Tessa is a chocolate lab and is quite photogenic. One of those shots inspired me to paint. I thought about doing a copy of the photo, but decided to take the idea that inspired me... the flowers on her head... and another more portrait type of image and blend them together. It worked out great.

This is the first painting I've completed since my mother passed. It's a bit of a milestone for me... I haven't had even the slightest desire to paint in the better part of a year. It was one of those "I know I should do this for my own wellbeing" kind of things, that I just couldn't motivate myself to actually do. That this one really came out of nowhere was an unexpected gift. It got me over that initial hurdle. I think I'm finally ready to get back to some of the unfinished pieces I have lying around my studio. 

Now I just have to figure out how to post them without them being scraped and used to train some AI program. 

Looking back to move forward

 

Me and my siblings on a family holiday, many years ago. I'm the kid scowling in the red shorts. 

One of the things I've been doing since my mom passed away is digitizing all the old family photos. I found a box of slides and old home movies in my mom's closet, and upon further inspection realized I had never seen any of these before. I didn't even know they existed. 

It's been a strange experience. Some of the photos have triggered long buried memories... places and people I barely remembered, events and family trips long forgotten. At one point I found myself sobbing at my dining room table as memories flooded in, some of them not very pleasant. I have resolved to finish this project, regardless of what it triggers for me. I'm in my 50s...there will never be a better time to deal with my unresolved feelings than right now. 

Art has always been something therapeutic for me. Creating something keeps me in the present moment, totally focused on what I'm doing. I always feel better when I'm done. I learned many years ago that I'm not good at journaling, even though I know it's a good tool for sorting through my feelings. Visual journaling is a different thing though... I can draw and paint, using symbolism, scale and compositional tools to express what I'm feeling. Even when I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. 

Me and my oldest sister, Sandy, many many years ago.

I first got into the whole art journaling thing when I went to the last ArtFest in 2012 (right around the time I started this blog). I made my first few books myself, following a video by Teesha Moore I had found on YouTube. It took me some time to find my voice, and since then I've usually had a book going, often more of a sketchbook for painting in than an actual "journal". I enjoy making these little books... i can experiment freely and if something doesn't work it isn't a big deal. I don't often show them to anyone except maybe another artist friend, and when they're done they get tossed into a box that I will sift through when I'm stuck for ideas. 

I think the next book I make will revolve around these old family photos, and will be an actual art journal, not just a painted book. Roots, connection and Family are recurring themes in my work and in my books, even though perhaps not in such a direct way as to reference my own, actual birth family. Maybe the time has come for me to confront these feelings head on, instead of dancing around it in terms of theme and generalized "ideas". 

The main difference is really only adding personal writing to the books, which in all honesty I actually do in a lot of my work, although it usually  becomes illegible as the writing layers get covered with collage and paint. Leaving it legible would expose vulnerabilities I've kept quite deeply hidden my entire life, and anyone with 3 older siblings would understand why. Exposing something that could hurt you almost certainly will be used to hurt you in one way or another, at some point. But by not allowing my true self to be seen, I also run the risk of nobody know the "real me" as opposed to the person I choose to present. "Unmasking" has been something I've made a point to do more of in the last decade or so... as the internet wisdom goes, at my age, I no longer have any fucks to give. I am who I am, and anyone who doesn't like it does not need to be a part of my life. I will do my best to let this authenticity step forward for this project, and be the central factor. 

You may or may not see pictures of the finished project. I doubt I will film it's creation as this is a deeply personal project. But I will have stuff to share in the future. I've taken a huge step back from the cesspool that is social media, as the constant negativity and borage of advertisements has affected my mental health. So the blog is going to make a resurgence.

I always liked the long form posting anyway. 

Sketchbook Tips from Gary Panter

I found this reposted on a tumbler, and discovered that the original website was no longer available. I wanted to keep a copy for reference, and what better place than on my own blog. I'm always looking up stuff and trying to find ways to keep myself motivated. It's been a bit of a slog this past year. But I'll get back to it, eventually. Maybe this will help. 

(The original post is here)

 Drawing tips from the great GARY PANTER!

INTRODUCTION

Get a book-size (or paperback-size)d sketchbook. Write your name and date on an early page and maybe think of a name for it — and if you want, write the book’s name there at the front. Make it into your little painful pal. The pain goes away slowly page by page. Fill it up and do another one. It can be hard to get started. Don’t flunk yourself before you get the ball rolling.

You might want to draw more realistically or in perspective or so it looks slick — that’s is possible and there are tricks and procedures for drawing with more realism if you desire it. But drawing very realistically with great finesse can sometimes produce dead uninteresting drawings — relative, that is, to a drawing with heart and charm and effort but no great finesse.

You can make all kinds of rules for your art making, but for starting in a sketchbook, you need to jump in and get over the intimidation part — by messing up a few pages, ripping them out if need be. Waste all the pages you want by drawing a tic tac toe schematic or something, painting them black, just doodle. Every drawing will make you a little better. Every little attempt is a step in the direction of drawing becoming a part of your life.

TIPS

1. Quickly subdivide a page into a bunch of boxes by drawing a set of generally equidistant vertical lines, then a set of horizontal lines so that you have between 6 and 12 boxes or so on the page. In each box, in turn, in the simplest way possible, name every object you can think of and draw each thing in a box, not repeating. If it is fun, keep doing this on following pages until you get tired or can’t think of more nouns. Now you see that you have some kind of ability to typify the objects in your world and that in some sense you can draw anything.

2. Choose one of the objects that came to mind that you drew and devote one page to drawing that object with your eyes closed, starting at the “nose” of the object (in outline or silhouette might be good) and following the contour you see in your mind’s eye, describing to yourself in minute detail what you know about the object. You can use your free hand to keep track of the edge of the paper and ideally your starting point so that you can work your way back to the designated nose. Don’t worry about proportion or good drawing this is all about memory and moving your hand to find the shapes you are remembering. The drawing will be a mess, but if you take your time, you will see that you know a lot more about the object than you thought.

3. Trace some drawings you like to see better what the artist’s pencil or pen is doing. Tracing helps you observe closer. Copy art you like — it can’t hurt.

4. Most people (even your favorite artists) don’t like their drawings as much as they want to. Why? Because it is easy to imagine something better. This is only ambition, which is not a bad thing — but if you can accept what you are doing, of course you will progress quicker to a more satisfying level and also accidentally make perfectly charming drawings even if they embarrass you.

5. Draw a bunch more boxes and walk down a sidewalk or two documenting where the cracks and gum and splotches and leaves and mowed grass bits are on the square. Do a bunch of those. That is how nature arranges and composes stuff. Remember these ideas — they are in your sketchbook.

6. Sit somewhere and draw fast little drawings of people who are far away enough that you can only see the big simple shapes of their coats and bags and arms and hats and feet. Draw a lot of them. People are alike yet not — reduce them to simple and achievable shapes.

7. To get better with figure drawing, get someone to pose — or use photos — and do slow drawing of hands, feet, elbows, knees, and ankles. Drawing all the bones in a skeleton is also good, because it will help you see how the bones in the arms and legs cross each other and affect the arms’ and legs’ exterior shapes. When you draw a head from the side make sure you indicate enough room behind the ears for the brain case.

8. Do line drawings looking for the big shapes, and tonal drawing observing the light situation of your subject — that is, where the light is coming from and where it makes shapes in shade on the form, and where light reflects back onto the dark areas sometimes.

9. To draw the scene in front of you, choose the middle thing in your drawing and put it in the middle of your page — then add on to the drawing from the center of the page out.

10. Don’t worry about a style. It will creep up on you and eventually you will have to undo it in order to go further. Be like a river and accept everything.

Recovering from Burnout

Recent addition to an old journaling project in a recycled children's board book. 

2023 was a stressful year for me. 

Of the “major life stressors”, I sure checked a lot of boxes in those last few months. Lost a job? Check. Death of a loved one? Check. Sell a home? Check again. Of course the home wasn’t one I lived in, my mom did, but I owned it and she had lived there quite a while and it was filled with memories. So yeah, that one was stressful too.

When my mom passed away suddenly, I quickly became aware that she she was struggling more than I had realized. I knew she was having mobility issues and was probably not going to be able to live on her own for much longer. What I didn't know is she had neglected some important things, and those things fell on me to sort out. It’s taken time and a lot of sleepless nights, but I’ve gotten a handle on it all…. I think…. and now I’m dealing with the exhaustion that comes from having so much happen in such a short timespan. So…. now what?

 Well, the job thing sorted itself out, so I’m good on that front. The condo sold quickly and I’ve dealt with the majority of my mom’s possessions. I’ve still got a few boxes hanging around to deal with, but the disaster zone in my own house has been more or less cleared out. The reduction of chaos certainly has helped my mindset.

Over the past several months I have completely stepped away from social media, and creating in general. It just didn’t seem important with everything else looming. It probably hurt my business more than I realize, but I had to do it for my mental health. Something had to give, and my art business was what I chose to put on the back burner. Of course stepping out of creative life has it’s drawbacks, and now that I’m ready to get back to it, finding a place to start has been a challenge. 

Artists tend to flock together, and a new artist friend proposed an opportunity that seemed perfectly timed. She suggested a shared journaling/bookmaking project, and since I felt ready to get back to creative life, I accepted the challenge. It’s still been difficult to get myself going. We set an approximate date for the first part to be completed, but when we had our check in I still hadn’t started. We pushed it out a few more weeks to accommodate my apathy, and I’m happy to report I’m almost there. Motivation is still really low, but it’s a task that can be broken down into small sections that I can tackle with a small time commitment, so that’s how I’m doing it… in small 10 minute chunks. 

I’ve also dug out a box of old journaling projects that I never got around to completing, and I plan to work through some of those in between this other project. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, and eventually I will get back to myself. It may be a different version of myself, but that’s ok. You can’t have a year like I had and not come out of it somewhat changed. 

I’m taking the year off from shows and art fairs so I can focus on learning and having fun. I have abandoned half finished paintings that I may or may not get back to, but I’m ignoring that for now and just doing what feels right. I may not go back to social media any time soon, but I will try to remember to post something from time to time, and to see what all my virtual friends are doing. Hope y’all have been having more fun than me.

Starting a new large painting

This will become one of my botanical pieces. I've already decided on a colour scheme, a general theme and what plants will be prominent. I'm starting work on a set of five large pieces that I can submit to local galleries for consideration. It's time for that I think. 

I've got a good memory, it's just really short

"Ballad of the Broken", 20x20 inch mixed media on wood

 

I'm getting old. 

In my head I still feel like I'm 30-something... but then something will happen that will slap me back to reality and I'll have to acknowledge that some things don't work quite as well as they used to. My memory is one. 

A few months ago I decided I needed to update my credit card reader that I use for art fairs. The old one still works, but it reads the stripe on the credit card and the new readers take the chip, tap and also accept debit card transactions. They're more secure and offer another choice for my customers. All good. So I go online and order the upgraded hardware. And the order is immediately cancelled. I don't have time to figure out why, so i put it on the back burner and on my list of things to do.

The list of things I need to do is fairly long. But I do get back to it a few weeks later and the same thing happens. And again a few weeks later. I submit a support ticket. Nothing happens. I don't have time and I have more important things to stress over, so I leave it. 

This week I'm determined to get a bunch of stuff done because I have Arts on the Credit coming up in a few weeks. I've got new work that I'm thinking is pretty good and might sell, so I really want to have that reader. I order, my order is cancelled. I submit another support ticket. This time I get an email back right away with a few basic questions. The first one: what email are you using to log into your account?

It dawns on me immediately..... I set up my account a decade ago, when I had a different domain and a different email address.  Jeezus, I can't be that dense, can I? I go back into my old email (I still use it on occasion for personal stuff) and sure enough, there are promotional emails there prompting me to upgrade my hardware. Sigh. So I go into my account and use the old email to order, and sure enough, it goes through. 

I also have 800 unread emails sitting there, so there's that. 

Anyway.....

I'll be at Arts on the Credit with my new collection of botanical inspired paintings, April 29-30, 2023.  Always a good show. If you come out, make sure you pop around and say hi. I'll be right by the door. 

Random People on the Internet

"Winter Blue", 20x20 mixed media on wood. Prints available on my website. 

 I've been making generous use of the block button recently. There was a time when blocking someone wasn't something that came to mind when I got a negative comment online. But with a growing audience, the occasional critical comment has become something else entirely. From people telling me to "give up and just get married", or that my work is "unoriginal" ( or better yet... "complete crap"), comments from random strangers has become something I've had to actively deal with, to make sure they don't mess with my head.

Comments on social media can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, they can provide valuable insights and perspectives that we may not have considered before. On the other hand, they can be hurtful, offensive, or simply unproductive.

Here are some tips for dealing with random comments on social media:

Take a deep breath and remember that it's just the internet. It can be easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and take things personally, but it's important to remember that these comments are just words on a screen. They don't define who you are as a person.

Consider the source. If the comment is coming from someone you don't know, it's likely that they don't know you either. They may not understand the context or perspective that you're coming from. If the comment is coming from someone you do know, try to consider their intentions. Are they trying to be helpful or are they just trying to start an argument?

Carefully consider whether or not to engage. If the comment is inappropriate or offensive, it's okay to just ignore it. There's no obligation to engage with every comment that comes your way. It's perfectly fine to delete it and block the person... sometime that can be the best course of action. However, if the comment is well-intentioned and you feel like you can have a productive conversation, it could be in your best interest to consider responding. I've developed a few friendships with artists in other parts of the world that started with simply responding to a comment. And engagement on a social media post tells the algorithm that your content is interesting to your followers, and shows it to more people. 

Stay calm and respectful. Even if you disagree with someone's comment, it's important to stay respectful in your response. Avoid personal attacks or insults, and try to focus on the issue at hand. Getting angry and having a comment war doesn't achieve anything, and can affect your state of mind.

Take a break if you need to. If you're feeling overwhelmed or distressed by the comments you're receiving, it's okay to take a break from social media. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and mental health.

Overall, it's important to remember that random comments on social media are just that – random. They don't define you, and you don't have to let them get to you. By staying calm, respectful, and taking care of yourself, you can effectively deal with random comments and keep your social media experience positive.

Dealing with a lack of motivation

Sometimes a small project you can work on for short periods of time is a way to get going. I can do anything for 5 minutes is my reasoning... and I usually work away for an hour or so. 

I haven't done any work in a few weeks. Nothing. No painting, no drawing, not even a sketch. I can't seem to get myself into my studio. I figured I needed a break and let myself be a slug for a bit. But now, if I let it continue I could find myself in a full on block, so I need to take some action. 

As an artist, it is not uncommon to experience periods of depression and lack of motivation. These feelings can be especially difficult to cope with, as they often interfere with the creative process and can lead to a sense of disconnection from your work. However, there are ways to manage these feelings and continue to produce meaningful art despite the challenges.

One effective way to cope with depression and lack of motivation is to establish a daily routine. This can include setting aside dedicated time for your art practice, breaking larger projects into smaller tasks, and setting achievable goals. A routine can help provide structure and give you something to look forward to each day, which can be especially helpful when you are feeling low.

Another helpful strategy is to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. It can be helpful to have someone to talk to about your feelings and to provide perspective on your challenges. Do you know other artists? There's a pretty good chance someone you know has experienced a similar issue. Joining a support group or online community of artists can be a great way to connect with others who may be experiencing similar struggles.... particularly if where you live doesn't give you an in person group to access. 

Taking care of your physical and mental health is also crucial for managing depression and lack of motivation. This can include getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in regular physical activity. It may also be helpful to try stress-reducing techniques such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises. For me, getting outside is key. Canadian winter is not exactly known for sunny days, so if the sun is shining I make a point of getting out in the sun for at least 20 minutes. It really does help.

Finally, it can be helpful to focus on the things that bring you joy and fulfillment, both inside and outside of your art practice. This could include hobbies, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in activities that bring you a sense of peace or relaxation. Sitting at home in front of the television doesn't work for me, even though it seems to be my go-to activity these days. 

Remember that it is okay to take breaks and take care of yourself when you are feeling overwhelmed or burnt out. It is important to be gentle with yourself and to remember that it is okay to seek help when you need it. With time and effort, you can find ways to manage your depression and lack of motivation and continue to create meaningful art.

First layer of paint

I'm starting a new painting... not sure yet what it's going to be, but the first layer of paint has to go on no matter if it ends up an abstract, landscape or botanical. 

Middle section of a 16 inch painting

Part3 of a 24x30 inch painting

I've got a show coming up in November... I thought I would be able to get this larger sized piece finished beforehand. Turns out I can't... not if I don't want to rush it anyway, which I don't. It always turns out better when I take my time and let it flow. 

Anyway, the show is November 5-6 at the Waterside Inn in Port Credit. Details here: https://artsonthecredit.ca/fineartshow/

Part 2: Adding collage to a painting

I'm working on a larger botanical painting for an upcoming show. This is the second stage in my process.... here I lay down collage elements, primarily text, on my intuitively painted background. 

This does a couple things. First, it gives me some interesting shapes to work with. I like using text because using letterforms in art feels like adding a contemporary element. It's like a newspaper or magazine headline, and I grew up in a world where print media was king. It also adds some edges that take paint differently, giving a variety to my marks. 

Not all of these elements will be visible in the final painting. I used to think that painting like this was a bit wasteful... why layer on all these things when half of them are covered up? Now I understand that all these layers of paint add something to the texture and richness of the piece, and allow me to utilize some other techniques, like sanding or scraping, that actually remove top layers to reveal hidden gems. Every thing I add or remove makes for a more interesting surface, and that makes a painting something that will draw the viewer back to it many times. If I can see it all at first glance, what is there to bring me back? 

I'm posting shorts of my painting sessions on my YouTube channel. I may not remember to film them all, since I seem to be a bit hopeless in the sharing department, but I'll try. I even have a post-it on my easel to remind me!

Time Lapse: small rose inspired painting

Excavating memories of school days

 

"Early Morning Sunshine", 10x10" mixed media on wood cradle panel. 

My memories of my early school years are forever tied to one kid I befriended right at the beginning. She was a tiny, little girl, while I was.... not. I didn't fit in... I had red hair and freckles, my mom made my clothes, and I was big. One of the tallest kids in my class until middle school, I towered in the back row of every class photo from grades 1 to 5, while my tiny friend was always in the front row, dead centre. 

Kids can be cruel. They don't seem to have much of a filter, and will point out and make fun of anything that makes someone stand out. I had the misfortune of having a small accident the day before school started... I was out with my mom and our new dog (not a puppy, an adopted, older dog), and she had me hold the leash while she dug something out of her purse. The dog took off, and not wanting to let her get away, i held on to that leash, getting dragged a couple blocks on the concrete as a result. My face looked a little worse for wear. My earliest memory of school is being approached by a boy in my class and being told "I don't like you, you're ugly". Yikes.

So, I took it upon myself to make sure my little buddy didn't get bullied. Or as much as I could anyway. I got bullied a bit myself, but because of my size it was usually older kids in the neighbourhood (my older siblings played their part, of course) and not the kids in my class. I was a pretty weird kid. I suppose it was unavoidable. 

Anyway....

The two of us were always in the same class. I don't really know how kids got assigned their classes in the 70/80s, but I suspect the school administrators realized I had taken on this role and it was one way to make sure this kid didn't get hurt. Her house was in the same direction as mine so we walked together every day, and sometimes I had lunch at her place because she was much closer. It worked out well for everyone, and to this day, we are still friends. 

In primary school we had recess twice a day... the bell would ring and the entire school would pour into the school yard and run around like maniacs for 15 minutes. The two of us would usually sit along the fence or walk around picking "flowers" (weeds) or play some silly game with a couple of the other kids. Queen Ann's Lace (Wild Carrot) was the flower of choice, and finding a patch made for a great day. When I see them now I still think of my friend "Hedgeheight" (original nickname, right? She was, quite literally, the height of the hedge around her yard when I christened her with that one. I don't think she's gotten much taller). It reminds me of a sunny spring day in the school yard, talking about our favourite things and picking flowers.

We don't talk all that often these days, but we check in on each other from time to time, and she will sometimes make the long trek from the other side of the city to come to an opening. It's nice to have someone around who has known me for the majority of my life, and shared many of the same experiences. Thank goodness for email and the internet, because it's a lot easier to keep track of each other now than it was in the 80s. 

Flip through of a completed Concertina sketchbook

Recovering From Burnout

A Walk in the Park, 10x10" mixed media on wood cradle panel. 

For the past few months, I have stepped back from many of my usual activities. I'm hardly online these days, I'm not doing any shows this year, I'm not painting nearly as much or as often, and I'm certainly not doing as much work to drive traffic to my website. 

It's been a few months now... I think I started to feel this crushing overwhelm around November or December last year, and just chalked it up to my usual Winter Blues. This time it was different though. I'd spend my visits with my mom obsessively cleaning her apartment instead of visiting (it needed it, so I wasn't wasting time, but maybe avoiding the reality that she wasn't managing well). I'd not answer my phone when my friends called. I was spending my work days with my headphones on so I wouldn't have to talk to people (ok, I'm still doing that, but in my defence, there are a few people in my space who spout utter nonsense that I just don't want to hear). I decided to cut myself from slack and just let myself be a slug for a few months. It's been a stressful few years, and the last thing I wanted was for my body to give out on me because I was pushing too hard. 

My day job is in what's called a "deadline driven" environment. Basically, when I get handed a job, some invisible timer starts ticking... the amount of time I have varies depending on the client and the contract, and doesn't change no matter how many changes the client makes. For instance, last week I spent the better part of a day adding labels to a large number of product images only to be told to remove them all the next day. And the following day I added revised labels. The deadline didn't change. I changed jobs a few years ago because I had gotten to the point of having panic attacks when I had to deal with particular people. Realizing that wasn't a sustainable state, I left a job I'd been at for close to 20 years to something related but considerably less stressful. And the covid hit. FML.

I'm in the office a few days a week, because some tasks require me to use these large photographic printers. Since I was there anyway, I got loaded up with tasks that were usually done by other people so that they could work from home. Add in a few people (also coming in to the office) who believe every bit of right-wing propaganda going around and feel it is their responsibility to convince me its truth, a couple sales people who believe my time is best spent running around the building hunting for something their client may or may not have sent, and a couple coworkers who believe the best way to make what they want a priority is to call me on Teams and harass me until I do it, and you've got my current circumstance. Hardly the low-key, no stress job I though I was getting. 

Add in the general stress of a parent with declining mobility, a child trying to launch a career in the worst economy since the depression, on top of a GOLBAL PANDEMIC, and that sense of crushing overwhelm became my life. 

So... I've spent the last few months watching way too much TV and trying to reframe my circumstances. There's not much I can do about my job, but the volume of work has slowed down enough that I can take breaks and maybe not work quite as hard as I have been. I have a co-worker who has been loaded up with the work of another who has moved on, so I've decided that I will no longer be trying to do the work of two people so that she can focus on her 2nd job. If she moves into that position they can hire someone to replace her, if she doesn't she can decide for herself how to handle the expectations. My tin-foil hat wearing co-worker can talk about whatever he likes, but I've made it pretty clear what I think of his opinions. One 15 minute conversation (some would call screaming match, but whatever), and the onslaught of emailed links from fox news "stories" to Tfucker Carlson videos have stopped. We're civil now, but controversial topics of conversation are now off the table. 

I've also gotten back into my studio. I've decided low pressure is best for right now, so I'm slowing working through a series of 10 small collage pieces, and finishing up a sketchbook project I started last fall. This work helps, because when I'm trying to solve a visual problem, I am so focused on what I'm doing that time just slips away. It's frustrating that its taken me a month to complete one small painting, but I'm trying to focus on the process and how it makes me feel, rather than the finished result.

And I've even started being more social. I spent an evening last week with a small group of artist friends... actually in person, talking about art/life/covid and how we're coping. I discovered I missed that sense of community. I will be going back online, though perhaps a bit less often than I was. I won't be doing the mindless doom-scrolling and getting into comment wars with my extended family, but focusing on art, friends and mental health. I'm sure I'll be making good use of the "mute" function. 

I'm feeling better, and I don't want to get dragged back into the mud. 

I'm going to try to do better...

Postcards made from unsuccessful abstract painting exercises

Hello there!

Where the hell have I been, you ask? Well, I've kind of retreated from society for a while, because I had unwisely chosen to be informed of what's going on in the world every waking minute of my days. Take that generally unpleasant baggage and add to it an aging parent with declining mobility, a child whose launch into the world has been indefinitely stalled, and acquaintances who have jumped whole-heartedly into the wellness-to-nutjob pipeline, and you may understand why my coping mechanisms have been stretched to the breaking point. I am part of the "Sandwich generation" I suppose... though I feel more like a panini. 

I know in the world of daily social media posting that very few people are going to read this blog. It's just the way it is, and I'm ok with that. I think I use this more as a way document the evolution of my work as opposed to some kind of marketing tool anyway. I like to write, and while I try to keep my (almost) weekly emails short and sweet, usually showing off my latest painting, I think this format can be longer and a bit more in depth for people who have the attention span to read longer form writing. I've been posting here since 2012 and my initial foray into the art world, and a LOT has happened since then. I am truly a different person. Ignoring this outlet has been to my detriment, I think... I no longer have a record of the why of my work, and the pandemic and world events have changed my thinking. I've become more opinionated... less tolerant to a degree. I will tell you what I think, and I no longer care about what other people think of me. That has rubbed some people the wrong way. C'est la vie. Not everyone has to like me. I think that has helped my work though, since now my entire focus is on what I need to get out of painting, not what will sell. 

I had a lot of failed experiments to use...

So... back to art stuff. I've really got into plants and botanical stuff lately, mainly since I started walking my neighbourhood on a daily basis. The walking itself is good for a lot of reasons... it got me outside when there was really nowhere else to go and nothing to do, and was good to get moving after sitting in front of a computer all day. On the weekends my husband would join me, but during the week, being outside on my own acted like meditation. I could think through the problems I was trying to solve, and started to really notice my environment. I started taking photos of the plants that caught my attention. I have a nearby park (that I didn't know was there until 2020. I've lived in this area for 8 YEARS... how did I miss it?) that is a wonder in spring... there are rhododendrons and azalea bushes that seem to be in continual bloom for months (different varieties that bloom in succession. It's quite a sight to behold). One of my neighbours has a trillium tree (I didn't even know such a thing existed), and there's a black locust tree along a pathway I often take that smells amazing when it blooms. And of course, there are magnolias lining the local streets, that when they are in flower make it worth the effort to put on real pants. 

Of course this interest has creeped into my sketchbook, but only in the last few months have I attempted to add this element into my work. It took a lot of time to figure out how it was going to work, and while I was mucking about I developed in interest in collage, so that because one more thing to use. I feel like this work is so much more me... I know that may be kind of a weird thing to say, but it encompasses so many more of my interests than my previous series. I use old book pages (I'm an avid reader), I create interesting collage papers from patterns I've collected over years of museum visits looking at ancient cultures, I'm using my handmade stamps, I've got my plant drawings in there, and I'm using the techniques I figured out while working through my musician series, along with all I've learned through the abstract painting I've done over the years. This is definitely not something I could have done a decade ago... I hadn't yet collected all the pieces. 

So these little images are postcards, made from a pile of unsuccessful exercises I've done over the last year. The ones that worked have been glued into a sketchbook with my notes, and the ones that didn't got tossed into a pile until I figured out what to do with them. I plan to send them off in the mail to people in my life who may need a little boost. I'm sure I'm not the only panini out there. 

I like the orange/green combo that shows up here.
Going to use that one again. 

Making collage paper with my handmade stamps

Folding a sheet of paper into a concertina sketchbook

Originally live streamed from my Facebook page.