Looking back to move forward

 

Me and my siblings on a family holiday, many years ago. I'm the kid scowling in the red shorts. 

One of the things I've been doing since my mom passed away is digitizing all the old family photos. I found a box of slides and old home movies in my mom's closet, and upon further inspection realized I had never seen any of these before. I didn't even know they existed. 

It's been a strange experience. Some of the photos have triggered long buried memories... places and people I barely remembered, events and family trips long forgotten. At one point I found myself sobbing at my dining room table as memories flooded in, some of them not very pleasant. I have resolved to finish this project, regardless of what it triggers for me. I'm in my 50s...there will never be a better time to deal with my unresolved feelings than right now. 

Art has always been something therapeutic for me. Creating something keeps me in the present moment, totally focused on what I'm doing. I always feel better when I'm done. I learned many years ago that I'm not good at journaling, even though I know it's a good tool for sorting through my feelings. Visual journaling is a different thing though... I can draw and paint, using symbolism, scale and compositional tools to express what I'm feeling. Even when I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. 

Me and my oldest sister, Sandy, many many years ago.

I first got into the whole art journaling thing when I went to the last ArtFest in 2012 (right around the time I started this blog). I made my first few books myself, following a video by Teesha Moore I had found on YouTube. It took me some time to find my voice, and since then I've usually had a book going, often more of a sketchbook for painting in than an actual "journal". I enjoy making these little books... i can experiment freely and if something doesn't work it isn't a big deal. I don't often show them to anyone except maybe another artist friend, and when they're done they get tossed into a box that I will sift through when I'm stuck for ideas. 

I think the next book I make will revolve around these old family photos, and will be an actual art journal, not just a painted book. Roots, connection and Family are recurring themes in my work and in my books, even though perhaps not in such a direct way as to reference my own, actual birth family. Maybe the time has come for me to confront these feelings head on, instead of dancing around it in terms of theme and generalized "ideas". 

The main difference is really only adding personal writing to the books, which in all honesty I actually do in a lot of my work, although it usually  becomes illegible as the writing layers get covered with collage and paint. Leaving it legible would expose vulnerabilities I've kept quite deeply hidden my entire life, and anyone with 3 older siblings would understand why. Exposing something that could hurt you almost certainly will be used to hurt you in one way or another, at some point. But by not allowing my true self to be seen, I also run the risk of nobody know the "real me" as opposed to the person I choose to present. "Unmasking" has been something I've made a point to do more of in the last decade or so... as the internet wisdom goes, at my age, I no longer have any fucks to give. I am who I am, and anyone who doesn't like it does not need to be a part of my life. I will do my best to let this authenticity step forward for this project, and be the central factor. 

You may or may not see pictures of the finished project. I doubt I will film it's creation as this is a deeply personal project. But I will have stuff to share in the future. I've taken a huge step back from the cesspool that is social media, as the constant negativity and borage of advertisements has affected my mental health. So the blog is going to make a resurgence.

I always liked the long form posting anyway.