Unexpected Inspiration

 

"Tessa", 11x14" mixed media on wood panel. 

My sister paints animals. Her style is very different than mine... she paints realisitic acrylics, or etherial watercolours, always with the animal front and center. Not my thing, but it works for her, and she's quite good at it. She recently started this "a dog a day" project, intending to loosen up her brushwork. I've been watching her progression on Instagram. It's fun. 

My son's girlfriend has two lovely dogs that come to visit us now and then. We are huge dog people, but don't have one of our own right now. We had two, but their passing was very hard on us, so we decided to just take care of other people's dogs until we felt ready to get one of our own. That day may not come... we like having "loaner" dogs. No vet bills, we can take vacations without having to dig up someone willing to take them, no early morning runs in negative something temperatures in the winter, but we still get to have one visit from time to time. It's been working for us. 

When I asked my kid if he had any photos of his girlfriend's dogs around to send to my sister, he sent me a bunch. Tessa is a chocolate lab and is quite photogenic. One of those shots inspired me to paint. I thought about doing a copy of the photo, but decided to take the idea that inspired me... the flowers on her head... and another more portrait type of image and blend them together. It worked out great.

This is the first painting I've completed since my mother passed. It's a bit of a milestone for me... I haven't had even the slightest desire to paint in the better part of a year. It was one of those "I know I should do this for my own wellbeing" kind of things, that I just couldn't motivate myself to actually do. That this one really came out of nowhere was an unexpected gift. It got me over that initial hurdle. I think I'm finally ready to get back to some of the unfinished pieces I have lying around my studio. 

Now I just have to figure out how to post them without them being scraped and used to train some AI program. 

Looking back to move forward

 

Me and my siblings on a family holiday, many years ago. I'm the kid scowling in the red shorts. 

One of the things I've been doing since my mom passed away is digitizing all the old family photos. I found a box of slides and old home movies in my mom's closet, and upon further inspection realized I had never seen any of these before. I didn't even know they existed. 

It's been a strange experience. Some of the photos have triggered long buried memories... places and people I barely remembered, events and family trips long forgotten. At one point I found myself sobbing at my dining room table as memories flooded in, some of them not very pleasant. I have resolved to finish this project, regardless of what it triggers for me. I'm in my 50s...there will never be a better time to deal with my unresolved feelings than right now. 

Art has always been something therapeutic for me. Creating something keeps me in the present moment, totally focused on what I'm doing. I always feel better when I'm done. I learned many years ago that I'm not good at journaling, even though I know it's a good tool for sorting through my feelings. Visual journaling is a different thing though... I can draw and paint, using symbolism, scale and compositional tools to express what I'm feeling. Even when I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. 

Me and my oldest sister, Sandy, many many years ago.

I first got into the whole art journaling thing when I went to the last ArtFest in 2012 (right around the time I started this blog). I made my first few books myself, following a video by Teesha Moore I had found on YouTube. It took me some time to find my voice, and since then I've usually had a book going, often more of a sketchbook for painting in than an actual "journal". I enjoy making these little books... i can experiment freely and if something doesn't work it isn't a big deal. I don't often show them to anyone except maybe another artist friend, and when they're done they get tossed into a box that I will sift through when I'm stuck for ideas. 

I think the next book I make will revolve around these old family photos, and will be an actual art journal, not just a painted book. Roots, connection and Family are recurring themes in my work and in my books, even though perhaps not in such a direct way as to reference my own, actual birth family. Maybe the time has come for me to confront these feelings head on, instead of dancing around it in terms of theme and generalized "ideas". 

The main difference is really only adding personal writing to the books, which in all honesty I actually do in a lot of my work, although it usually  becomes illegible as the writing layers get covered with collage and paint. Leaving it legible would expose vulnerabilities I've kept quite deeply hidden my entire life, and anyone with 3 older siblings would understand why. Exposing something that could hurt you almost certainly will be used to hurt you in one way or another, at some point. But by not allowing my true self to be seen, I also run the risk of nobody know the "real me" as opposed to the person I choose to present. "Unmasking" has been something I've made a point to do more of in the last decade or so... as the internet wisdom goes, at my age, I no longer have any fucks to give. I am who I am, and anyone who doesn't like it does not need to be a part of my life. I will do my best to let this authenticity step forward for this project, and be the central factor. 

You may or may not see pictures of the finished project. I doubt I will film it's creation as this is a deeply personal project. But I will have stuff to share in the future. I've taken a huge step back from the cesspool that is social media, as the constant negativity and borage of advertisements has affected my mental health. So the blog is going to make a resurgence.

I always liked the long form posting anyway.