Comparison is the Thief of Joy

"Quiet Solitude", 30x40" mixed media on wood panel. Available. 

With the news of the fire at Notre Dame this week, i’ve been thinking about time that I spent in Paris while I was in University. I’ll get back to that in another post, because it was really pretty incredible. But what I want to focus on this week, is what happened when I started feeling nostalgic and looking up the people from my past.

I have a Bachelors of Fine Art. I went to school with some incredibly creative people, but because this was in the time pre-social media, I have lost track of most of them. A few that I forged a bond with I have since re-connected with, and there were even a couple I never lost track of. Most of these people were those I lived with or worked with, and only a couple from my actual classes. 

While I was chatting online with a friend I had made during my classes in France, other names started making an appearance…. And because it is now something easily done, I looked them up.

One of the guys who was in that same group is now quite an accomplished artist. He has work in the National gallery. He has had some very impressive exhibitions. He has a list of grants longer than I cared to read. He makes work that I don’t necessarily understand… at least from what I could see online…. But then he was always a bit beyond the rest of us, even at the tender age of 20. He was a nice guy… I’m happy he has been able to do what he loves and be recognized for it. 

Another former classmate went from fine art into fashion, and now has his own design studio in Hong Kong. He specializes in wedding dresses and his website is very impressive. From the massive amounts of information available about him online, I can only conclude that he has done extremely well for himself. Again, good for him. 

Another of my recent paintings. I'll have this with
me at Arts on the Credit next weekend. 

It would seem I am one of the underachievers of the group. 

I had never really thought of myself this way before. Here I am in my 50s, still slogging away, working a day job to pay the bills and fitting in painting when I can. I have to admit, it brought me down for a couple days.

I’ve done fine in my life. I’ve had a decent lifestyle… I am not poor by any stretch. I have a good job, I own a house in one of the most expensive cities in the country and I am not in debt. I’ve managed to sock away some money for retirement and pay for my son’s education. My husband and I are firmly in the middle class. We can go on vacation from time to time without worrying about money. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, and on an average day, I’m pretty content.

Why was this bugging me so much?

Success has a different definition for everyone. When I was in my 30s I really thought about what would make me happy and how I could go about achieving it. I’ve always known myself well enough to know that living in poverty while I struggled to get my art recognized would not work for me. I would have so much anxiety about money that I wouldn’t be able to focus on the work. Kinda made it inevitable that I would have to have a day job. I thought a "career" would be enough for me, but it wasn’t. I needed something else. Getting back into creating filled that void. 

I’m not the kind of person that needs awards and accolades to define my success. I don’t even bother to apply for juried shows anymore, because when I get accepted, it doesn’t seem to mean anything to me. I apply for art fairs because it’s an opportunity to sell, and I find sales much more satisfying than awards. In fact, when I have won an award, my first thought was if the piece was so good, why didn’t it sell?

I’ve written before about why I like to sell. It’s not about the money… never has been. It’s about connection. So while I will pop open the wine when I sell a large piece, selling a small painting is just as important. When it’s purchased by someone I like and respect it means even more. If I was able to quit the day job and just focus on painting, I would be happy as a clam.

And I’d probably still feel a pang of envy when someone I know achieves something notable. Is it wired in our DNA? Is it just one of the many drawbacks of being constantly connected at all times? Is the blame laid firmly at the feet of social media, or is it human nature?

I’m sure seeing the perfectly curated versions of other people’s lives does nothing to help us feel content in the here and now. But the thing is, we can’t see how they struggled. I can only imagine how many rejection letters my old classmate received while on his way to that long list of accolades. How many times did he feel like giving up? How many times did he have to convince himself the struggle would be worth it? For that matter, how long did he live with his parents after university in order to pursue his dream? That was something I was not willing to do… I loved my parents and all, but I needed to be out on my own and live my own life. Not everyone sees this as a necessity.

We are all different, with different dreams, goals and affections. I urge you to examine your own life, and decide for yourself what success looks like. Constantly comparing yourself to people you see online will get you nowhere, and only make you miserable. I’m back to my usual self now, being grateful for what I have and looking at the future. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being “ordinary”, and I do ordinary quite well, thank you very much. 

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